Seven Dorks in Head
by Madhog thy Master
Summary: Let's say... Sonic the Hedgehog has some issues with his multiple personalities that are driving him crazy like a horse, so he needs to see a therapist... And guess who the doctor is?


**SEVEN DORKS IN HEAD**

SONIC: "NO…. FREAKIN'…. WAY!! You can't really be my therapist!"

EGGMAN: "Oooooh, but I am, and you will cooperate unless you don't wanna spend the rest of your miserable life in the… DUNGEON OF MADNESS!!"

S: "The Fuckin' what of Assness? Did you just made out the word?"

E: "SHUT UP, PESKY EXCUSE FOR A LOONEY TOONS CHARACTER!"

S: "I'LL SPIN DASH YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL, EGG-BUTT!"

E: "All right, that's it! I will give you a lesson with my latest and greatest weapon! Behold! THE BLOCK NOTE!"

S: "The what?"

Eggman starts writing therapist stuff on the note.

E: "Patient refuses collaboration with his therapist… Probably because to his brain illness."

S: "Eh, stop that!"

E: "Patient is getting aggressive by the minute, an electro shock therapy will be considered…"

S: "Sigh. Ok, fine, I will be a good patient… This time."

E: "Goodie than. Let's get down to business, shall we? You already know why you came here, right?"

S: "Because I was forced by my stupid friends."

E: "You aren't here because of your soon-to-be-enslaved-and/or-robotized-by-me friends. You are here because of your developed and potentially lethal brain disease."

S: "Errrrr…"

E: "… Your high leveled Schizophrenia?"

S: "…."

E: "You have a personality disturb?"

S: "…."

E: "…."

S: "……."

E: "YOU ARE A TOTAL NUTJOB! OK?"

S: "Oooooh, why didn't you just say so?"

E: "Patient is about to get an assbeating by very pissed off therapist… Whatever. You have a bunch of people living in your head, am I correct?"

S: "Well, yes. I'm afraid they are a little tight in it."

E: "Patient shows high leveled signs of his nutjobness."

S: "Will you cut that therapist crap?"

E: "No. Now, can you tell me exactly how many (let's say) gentlemen live in your head?"

S: "Last time I checked, they were 7."

E: "You mean to tell me that you actually have 7 different personalities other than your original idiotic one?"

S: "Hell yeah."

E: "Interesting… Than there is only way to get to the bottom of this mental slutcase of yours!  
HYPNO-THERAPY!"

S: "You just made out the word, didn't you?"

E: SHUT UP! Patient will be robotized later…"

S: "Will you please stop those cluster fuckin' mind games!?"

E: "Whatever, let's start the Goddamn therapy. Will you please pose your eyes to this precious golden pocket watch?"

S: "Is that a fake?"

E: "I will thorn your ass for that. NOW LOOK AT THE DAMN WATCH!"

While Sonic is distracted by the almighty hypnotizer kinda watch, Eggman KOed him a came-out-of-nowhere improbable cartoon like giant hammer!

E: "Well than. And now (instead of being knocked out cold with a sever head trauma) you're under my complete control! I want you to come back in time, the time you met your first alter ego!"

S: "It… It was a sunny day, I had no worries what so ever… Then I found this 7 strange rainbow colored gems and I thought "Cool! Rainbow colored gems", so I touched them and the world turned into nothingness…. Then I met this guy, a golden version of me and a total jerk if you ask me! He always acts like he is the God givin' gift to women…. I REALLY hate that egotistical moron!"

E: "All right, I want to talk with him, can you summon him?"

S: "I'll try, but I have to warn you: last time I wanted to talk with he demanded a one year pre-call just for that… Stupid motherfucker…"

And then, Sonic fur turned into pure gold!"

E: "You must be Super Sonic."

SS: "Yeah, and you must the most uncool and ugly excuse of a person I've ever seen. Seriously man, you should really do something for you appearance, you seem to came out from a dumb comic book of super duper heroes or stuff…"

E: "Excuse me?"

SS: "I mean, what's up with that little dress of yours? When did you find it? In the Catalogue of the Cheesy Villain discount? And what about your stupid mustache, who do you think you are?  
Yosemite Sam?"

E: "Y-Yosemite S-Sam!?"

SS: "Would you please do a favor to man-and-hedgehog-kind and start a diet before your ludicrous egg belly will cause the Earth to fall out of it's atmosphere?"

E: "Are you insinuating that I'm fat?"

SS: "Wow man, you're such a genius! How come that you never conquered the world, before? Oh wait, I think that I already answered my question… You are the biggest dumbass in history (and I happened to know Weird Al)! I'm waaaaaaaay to cool for being in your idiotic presence, that's why the chicks dig me. Eh eh eh eh eh…"

E: "….."

SS: "Because, FatBoy (not) Slim, in Life there are winners (me) and there are losers (you).  
I'm Super Sonic! BE JEALOUS!"

E: "… I think we made a point here."

SS: "Oh yeah?"

E: "Yes… After this I will need a therapist too… And a new reason to live. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Sonic reappears.

S: "So, how was your talk?"  
E: "Useful… Now I have a whole knew reason for wanting you dead! Let's try again, shall we?"

S: "Now… I remember, this floating island in the sky… The emeralds where in this old fashioned Indiana Jones like lost temple of douchebag, Hidden Palace, if I recall.. The gems became… Different! They grow up in size and stuff, so I touched them. After that, this broken neon light hedgehog came to me.. And I had a seizure for two hours."

E: "Grrrrrreat… Call him."

This time, Sonic's fur starts glowing like crazy.

E: "And you are…?"

HS: "Hi I'm Hyper Sonic How are you man this place is cool can I have some coffee why you are so fat I like your fancy moustache why to wrongs don't make a right would you like to play tennis with me I usually play against myself and always win did I mention that this place is awesome ehi what's your name by the way I'm Hyper Sonic and I like ice cream and blow things up you know I can reach the light speed ha ha ha ha seriously say something I don't wanna talk to myself and go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on all the time hi I'm Hyper Sonic what's your name I'm wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng!"

E: "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST MADE MY ULCER TO EXPLODE 3 TIMES IN 2 MINUTES! THAT'S A FREAKING RECORD!! AND WILL YOU PLEASE BLINK YOUR DAMN EYES!"

HS: "I like the word blink blink blink blink blink blink I can go on forever you know?"

E: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

HS: "Yes I do blinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblinkbblink… Gotta go fast! Ta-na-na-na Gotta go fast! Ta-na-na-na Gotta go faster faster faster yeah!"

E: SHUT THE FUCK UP! SONIIIIIIIC!!"

S: "What? What happened?"

E: "It happened that you are gonna pay my medical supervisions! Now lets proceed."

S: One day, I was running around for no reason (just like I always do) and then I accidentally fall in one of those random idiotic Warp Rings and I found myself to be in one of those stupid alternate universes… The name of it was F-Flu Fle… FLEETWAY! That's it, Fleetway was the name (dumb name isn't it), however, there were emeralds also there and when I touched 'em, this… being… Came to me. And it was one of the creepiest experiences in my whole life, it was like having an evil twin that you never met… Because it was kind of an Hell's spawn!"

E: "Mmmmh, this seems to be my kind of guy, let me talk to him."

"The Exorcist" Theme Song starts to play for absolutely no reason while the blue Hedgehog turns into an evil version of Super Sonic (if possible)… Fleetway Super Sonic!

FSS: **"WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA! FOOLISH MORTAL, HOW DARE YOU TO SUMMON ME? I WILL FEAST YOUR FLESH AND DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!"**

E: "Ehm…"

FSS: **"I SHALL RELEASE THE EVIL ROTTEN HORDES OF HELL ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET AND BEGIN A NEW ERA OF DARKNESS AND PAIN! THE LAND WILL TURN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS WHILE I WILL SLUTHER THEIR ORGANS INTO SHREDS. I CANNOT BE STOPPED, I AM CHOSEN ONE BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF AND THE WORLD WILL BURN FOREVER IN DESPAIR! FOR I AM… THE ANTI-CHRIST!!"**

E: "Suuuure you are… Damien."

FSS: **"YOU DARE TO MOCK MY PROPHECY, YOU WILL SUFFER ETERNAL TORMENT WHEN ALL THE HELL'S FORKS WILL STICK IN YOUR ASS AND I WILL HEAR YOU SCREAM!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"**

Eggman shows it a cross.

FSS: **"HIIIIIISSSSSSSSS!"**

And the Damien sibling disappears.

E: "Now what, Sonic? This is really starting to get annoying."

S: "Oh, put a sock in it, Ro-Butt-Nik."

E: "EHI! A guy under hypnosis is not supposed to insult is hypnotizer-or-whatever-it's-called-I-don't-give-a-fuck!"

S: "Too bad! Anyway here's my next memory."

E: "I'm overwhelmed by the excitement!"

S: "Shut it! One day I was hungry so I checked my fridge in search of some chilidogs… There were none. I fell in a state of pure depression… Unfortunately for me, those emeralds were around and I accidentally absorbed their negativity. Then I saw this black hedgehog and… Let's just say that Shadow is Barney the Dinosaur compared to him."

E: "What do you mean?"

S: "You'll see."

Suddenly, Sonic turns all black… Dark Super Sonic!

DSS: "I'm the dark one and I have realized that life is completely pointless, happiness is just a hypocrite fairy tale made out by the society for the only purpose of controlling our mind and the mass media are a part of all the scheme. The truth is, we are unable to be happy because of our own existence in this sick twisted planet of sorrow and sadness."

E: "Geeeee… You are "Dark" all right!"

DSS: "Thank you (for what matters), wanna hear one of my suffering poems?"

E: "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… NO!"

DSS: "Just as I expected, people like are too blinded by the cruel lies of Life for hearing the truth… Well, that's too bad, I'm gonna read it anyway and here it is:

**_"I feel the pain of my existence in all of it's cruelty_**

**_Life don't gives a fuck of your sorrow and mock your stubbornness_**

**_Nobody is really happy in this world, we are all bound to suffer_**

**_Death is the only freedom but still, we are afraid of it, we are so foolish_**

**_In the end, we will never find our Sacred Graal, that's why Existence is pointless_**

**_I ran out of chilidogs_**

**_Pity me."_**

A bunch of Dark Gothic Beatniks snapped their fingers in appreciation.

E: "Woooooow…. Just because you finished the chilidogs?"

DSS: "Is there anything more depressing in this world?"

E: "I hope you don't cut your arms when you're alone."

DSS: "Don't insult me, I'm not a fucking emo! Those people are crazy!"

E: "Whatever… I think I'm gonna drown my new found depression in rivers of alcohol for now."

DSS: "And I am going to smoke 'til my useless lumgs got cancer."

A few moments later…

E: "I'm almost scared to death in asking you this but… Who's next?"

S: "Weeell… Once upon a time I found myself in this sloppy Arabian world for no apparent reason and I had to find these 7 magic secret rings for whatever motive… And of course I met another jerk… Tell you what, if you ever (and I mean EVER) got found talking with him you could be accused of high threesome!"

E: "High threesome? What kind of guy is this one?"

And Sonic leaves the scene for his Arabian alter-ego… Dark Spine Sonic!"

DSpS: "INFIDEL! ALL AMERICANS MUST DIE! FOR ALLAH!!"

And the deranged middle east terrorist hedgehog tries to blow himself up and kill all the infidels… Luckily, he wasn't wearing any bombs, he was just an idiot.

E: "Ooooooook, let's pretend it didn't happen, who's left?"

S: "Well, lately I had sleeping problems during full moon's nights."

E: "Oh. Dear. God."

And guess who's next? Sonic Unleashed!!

SU: "AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!! ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! SNARL! WOF! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!"

E: "AAAAAAH! SIT! SIT!"

Eggman tries to protect himself with poor Metal Sonic (who happened to randomly be there) and then he did the only thing he could do to stop the were hog.

E: "PATIENT GOES MAD AT THE THERAPIST!"

And the were hog calm itself. Saved by the block note.

S: "What the hell happened here?"

E: "YOU happened hedgerat!"

S: "Wait! I sense something… Something evil."

E: "What?"

S: "Oh no.. OH NO! IT'S HIM! HE'S BACK TO HAUNT ME!"

E: "Who's back?"

S: "The most evil and demented of all my personalities… He is been my nightmare for God knows how many years!"

E: "Lemme talk to him…"

S: "N-no, I can't let him out, he's too powerful!"

E: "We are just one step away from your cure!"

S: "Are we?"

E: "Well… Actually not.. But I'm curious so let him out!"

S: "You sure about this?"

E: "LET HIM OUT NOW!"

S: "… At your own risk."

An excessive amount of negative energy raised throw the room and when the smoke cleared, an aura of pure evil emerged from the former body of Sonic the Hedgehog…

E: "Who. Are. You!?"

?: Hi! I'm Jason. JASON ANTHONY GRIFFITH! Long time no see."

And so the Horror begins.

The End??


End file.
